With Love & Lex

TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ASSUALT/RAPE

A part of me wanted to apologize for the title, as there is no soft way to put it. But, I’m not here to beat around the bush, we are here to heal and be.

You know, I don’t really talk about this so publicly. I have, once before, and looking back I’m not sure I spoke about it in the right way. But, that’s the thing; there is no right way. It feels like there’s a right or wrong because we are often taught to be silent. To hold back. To not share these truths in order to remain courteous by societal standards. 

We live in a society that creates guilt around victims experiences. So, I continue to work on my thoughts of my past but the guilt still creeps in. Not at the sake of my abuser, fuck him. But more so at the sake of outing some of my old friends. Still, I don’t think they did the right thing. But, we don’t always do the right thing in uncharted waters. We don’t even always do the right thing in charted waters. Regardless, I forgive them. This story isn’t about them, though. This story is about the isolation and fear that these experiences bring. 

I won’t share the grotesque details. There’s no need to relive it and there’s no need to virtually put you through it. But, I won’t be cute about it either. This story is about sexual assault.

I was raped twice, within the same few months. One was a man I trusted, one was a man I barely knew. One took me years to recognize as assault and recognize the trauma attached to it, one took me until the next morning to recognize as assault and recognize the trauma attached to it. There are still days I relive it, though I thought I’d never get through it. But here we are. I’m alive, I’m healthy, I’m healing. But this story isn’t about me. This story is about all of us, the weight our voices hold and the story that comes after.

It’s isolating. Experiencing such violation; it steals your innocence. And then, when the experience is over, it doesn’t end. You don’t know who to tell, you don’t know who to trust. You see stories of women being ridiculed, slandered and accused when they speak up and share their story. You see publication of assault cases, an overwhelming amount of people “picking sides”, and it’s traumatizing all over again, it’s silencing, and it’s shaping the future for victims everywhere.

We are sad, we are tired and we just want to feel safe, or at the very least, feel as though we will be supported in the healing process. But, we are not alone. There are a reported number of 463,634 victims each year, emphasis on “reported”. I have two stories of my own, and from what I’ve shared, maybe you can see how much events like these can differ. This is not some predictable, explainable, cookie cutter experience. You can’t put it in a box, just like you can’t look at someone and decide whether you choose to believe them or not. Because regardless of what you think about it, they are the ones who live with it every single day. Whether you choose to believe it or not, this is not something that happened just once for them. This is something that follows them through every single step in their life moving forward. This is something that they have experienced every single day since it happened, until it slowly fades, a little bit here and there, to a point where it’s maybe not at the forefront every day, but it never leaves. This is something that shapes all of their future relationships, all of their consensual sexual encounters, their self worth, their dreams, their nightmares, everything. So, think, just a little, before you shame or dismiss a victim. No one would choose to carry the weight of this trauma. So we just ask that you think before you voice uneducated opinions, feel empathy before you dismiss a victim, imagine a piece of your body and soul being stolen before you support an abuser.

• • • 

Okay, I couldn’t continue on without addressing that. But, this story is REALLY about you. If you are reading this and have experienced anything similar to the things I have addressed, there are a few things I need you to know.

1) You are not alone. I am here for you. I believe in you.

There’s no light way to say this so bare with me. People who have never experienced this, will never truly understand. And I am so thankful that they don’t have to. But, going through it alone is very isolating, that’s why I emphasize that I am here for any of you who need it.

2) This was not your fault. In no way, no matter how you spin it, no matter what the circumstances are, no matter who believes you and who doesn’t, no matter who you told and who you didn’t, this was never because of anything you did or didn’t do.

Having something so sacred forcefully taken from you is dehumanizing, it is sick and it is unforgivable, but it’s is not your fault.

3) You will make it out of this. Whether you’re in the fog phase, the healing phase or whatever is beyond that, you are so fucking strong.

You are so much more than that experience. It may have taken so much out of you, but you are whole and you are brand new. You are healing and that is your power.

…

Now, this is where my healing experience gets a bit more difficult to explain, so I want to clearly state that I am, in absolutely no way, glorifying this experienced. I would erase it from my past if I could. I would never choose this. I would absolutely never feel thankful for the thing that almost ruined me. But, I found a way to not let it, and that’s what this is about.

In a way, I think this experience jumpstarted my spiritual journey. Hold on, let me explain. I don’t think this is one of those “everything happens for a reason” situations, typing that made me a little sick to my stomach, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t ways to move forward that can bring more fulfillment and healing than you ever expected. Terrible things happen. Healing from these terrible things is a part of the process, but it doesn’t mean the experiences themselves were meant to be a part of the journey. Though, we can’t delete them, we must work through the emotions and the trauma they bring on. And something about healing deep sexual trauma really does something for the journey at hand.

For me, this trauma induced some very heavy, unavoidable nightmares, every night, for months. I would wake up every day feeling a little bit closer to dying. I felt like I was destined for travesty. What I didn’t recognize at the time was that the aftermath pushed me closer to my relationship with healing crystals and the physical loss it brought on for me deepened my connection to my angels. There were very negative things that came out of the actual events, as well, but in a way I think that was clearing my path even more for the higher version of myself I was soon to become. See, all of these things would have happened for me even without this experience, but being forced into serious healing helped me get there. Regardless of how I spin it, this was my experience. I finally see that as a step in my journey. I’m not proud of this experience, but I AM proud of the person I became regardless of the experience.

Healing is not linear. Writing this was still triggering for me. Some of my triggers have faded and even disappeared and some have stayed with me. I still can’t hear the word “rape” without tensing up and experiencing severe discomfort. I see my abusers and my body still goes hot with fear. Being left alone with people I don’t know still puts me on edge. These things may never go away, but these triggers don’t rule my life anymore. I know you will get there too and I know we will continue to heal together.

Lastly, I want to say I’m sorry. I know that isn’t a revolutionary statement, but I am sorry. I’m sorry you’re carrying this. I’m sorry this pain was forced against your will. I’m sorry this is even a topic we must discuss. But, I am proud of you. I love you.

If you didn’t fully resonate with the exact topic at hand, I hope there was some value in there for you. Whether it’s to help you understand and empathize with victims you may know, or it’s to help you navigate traumas of your own, take it as it comes to you.

With so much love and healing energy,

Alexa